Moving in the Right Direction

First of all, I have to say "Amen to That!" to Betty Lou's post below. BL and I are twins in so many ways, and the mood of her post is no exception. I feel exactly the same way.

Fortunately, things are going better for me this week since I decided to go back on Metformin, a drug I've taken to help with PCOS but which can also cause weight loss. I don't know why I waited so long to go back on it...probably because I hate taking meds. But with nothing working (not even Nutrisystem) I had to do something. The side effects have not been fun (how do you discreetly run to the bathroom while shopping at Michael's?), but my body seems to be adjusting. Sleepiness, weakness, and diarrhea are a small and temporary price to pay for a jump start on weight loss.

Earlier this week, before I saw that the Metformin was working, I called my endocrinologist to discuss weight loss meds. When I saw her in May, she mentioned a drug but we decided against it because its side effects and how that would affect a rare heart condition I was recently diagnosed with in March. At the time, I was still waiting for some test results to decide how to proceed with the condition. Since then, I have been made aware of two types types of medication to avoid. So I was calling the endocrinologist to find out if the weight loss med fit into either of those two types.

Man, did I get the run around. Can I just say that I really hate doctors/doctors' offices/doctors' offices' staff? Okay, so I don't hate all doctors. But the whole vibe that I usually get from these places is:

• you can't possibly know anything about your own body.
• we will tell you how we have decided to treat you.
• you may only ask so many questions before you become a pest.
• we'll get back to you when we feel like it.
• we may judge you as harshly as we like.
• we don't care what you read on the internet.
• we have only so much patience for you.

I am venting a little here....the "liason" for the endocrinologist, although fairly nice (at first), knew zilch about medical topics. I could tell she was just regurgitating info from the doctor. She couldn't answer any questions. It was like calling tech support in India.

I was very clear in stating that if a med didn't fit into the two types of no-no drug types, I could take it. Well according to the supervising doctor (who saw me in May for about two minutes), this weight loss med would aggravate my condition. "My condition? Oh you mean the one that you know nothing about because only experienced cardiologists have ever even heard of it? You mean the one that I mentioned that you didn't read up on? That one?" Uh-huh.

I had to call my cardiologist, explain it to them, get their okay, then call the endocrinologist's office back and say "Nanner, nanner, nanner....I told you I could take it, losers!" Okay I wasn't that harsh...I only said "nanner" twice.

So then Miss Liason very curtly told me that she would talk to the doctor "again" (are you hearing the sass in her voice?) and call me back. Yeah. That was Thursday. I don't know if I'll hear from them. And I don't know if I'll bug them about it.

So far, the Metformin is working. The side effects have lessened in intensity, but the decreased appetite has remained. My only concern for the moment (I can't believe I'm about to say this) is that I may not be eating enough. I don't want to slow down my metabolism, but I really am only eating when hungry. I had a quick gain over last weekend, and since Tuesday I have lost almost seven pounds.

I know I can't keep that up, but it has given me just what I needed. A little boost to get going. I don't look any skinnier, but just knowing that I'm losing is exciting. Finally.

Betty Lou Returns

I'm still here. And I'm still fat. I haven't given up yet. I wake every morning with the need/urge to get it together. I have a million and one reasons why it's so hard for me to stick with a plan. I'm busy. I'm broke. I'm overwhelmed. I'm lame. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm fed up. I'm distracted. I'm unorganized. I'm hopeless. I'm home. I'm working. I'm traveling. It's too hot. It's too windy. Someone needs something. Nobody cares. I'm tired. I'm bored. I'm disgusted. I need help. I need coffee.

What's wrong with me? Why is this so hard. If I think about it as much --if not not more-- than anything else on a daily basis, then WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?

If you know, could you let me in on the secret? In the meantime, I'm doing the best I can.

Updates

Not a good week for Peggy Sue. So busy. And it's extremely difficult to stick to a diet when you are making a massive baby shower cake for someone. There are way too many scraps to eat, plus I was so busy that I ate poorly in between working sessions. So I gained a tad this week.

But I took a bike ride today, and I've updated my mileage on the map for the week. Things have calmed down a bit for me so I'm back on track.

My 2nd Nutrisystem Weigh In

Well, only .8 pounds this week. Sort of. Maybe. My scales broke 1 day before my weigh in, so we had to buy a new one. It's the same brand but surely they are all going to weigh differently. I really need to average 2 pounds a week to meet my Thanksgiving goal, so maybe this week will be better. I don't want to put too much pressure on myself, but I also want to make that goal dangit!

Reliving the Past

I give up. Let me explain. I give up on trying to do this all on my own. I have a very understanding husband who recently promised me, after an intense and emotional and long talk, that he would do whatever it takes to help me lose the weight that has been an albatross around my neck for almost a lifetime. So after a few weeks of giving the "lose weight from scratch" plan a final try, I decided to go back to what has worked in the past. Nutrisystem.

The first time I tried Nutrisystem I was successful, and actually that's how Betty Lou and I found each other. We were at almost identical starting weights and had similar goals and feelings and felt an instant connection with each other. We even lost weight at about the same rates, and had plateaus at about the same time. That's why we call ourselves twins so much. Anyway, I thought my success was due only to the fact that the majority of the food I ate was prepackaged and convenient.

What I didn't know at the time was that because Nutrisystem is glycemically balanced, it was having a very positive effect on my weight loss due to my hyperinsulinimia (which I had yet to be diagnosed with). No other diet plan, and I have tried MANY, had ever been as easy or as successful. And so, here I am on Nutrisystem again, hoping that this baby weight (and then some) will be obliterated by these little colorful boxes of reheatable/rehydratable foods.

I've been on it for almost 2 weeks. The first week I lost 2.2 pounds (Betty Lou, this is a correction from the 1.6 I told you about). I've had a few trying days, but on the whole have been doing well on it. I have high hopes for my official weigh in on Friday morning, even though stepping on the scales today was no fun. Fluctuation, let's call it.

Anyway, with a trip to see my inlaws coming up at Thanksgiving I am anxious and eager to see some results. Because as I've said before, if I can see I'm making progress, I can be patient.

Go Nutrisystem!

Love,
Peggy Sue (my usual signature is hiding in my old computer!)

Daily Report: Day 188

Breakfast

• peach
• 2 morningstar farms soy sausage patties

Snack

• peach
  

Lunch

• pita chips
• carrots
• humus

Snack

• watermelon

Dinner

• 1/2 cup brown rice pasta w/marainara
• spinach

Dessert

• 100 cal dark choc bar melted over raw almonds and raisins

Water

• 60+ oz

Exercise

• Week one, day one C25K (3o mins, walk/jog

Observations: Snacky day. Need better meal planning on my work at home days. Too easy to grab whatever and not include protein.

Daily Report: Day, um what day is this?

Something happened this weekend. It's almost as if Peggy Sue turned on the radio and a very danceable song came on and she starting tapping her foot, and then I starting starting tapping my fingers, and then she started nodding her head, and then I then I started, well I don't know exactly how it happened! All I know is suddenly we were dancing around our respective houses, excited and motivated again.

Breakfast

• Peach
• 1 piece sprouted bread toast w/pnut butter

Lunch

• 2 scrabbled eggs
• salsa (spiked with zucchini)
• 2 corn tortillas

Snack

• sesame thins
• nf iced latte

Dinner

• veggie burger w/lf laughing cow wedge, tomato, on 1/2 ww english muffin
• cucumber salad
• grilled zucchini

Dessert

• 1 scoop homemade ice cream (not diet-y at all, but super delicious)
  

Water
60+ oz

Exercise
2 mile walk

Observation: Hey, it's a start.

Betty Lou Checks Out of Detox: (Nearly) Caffeine and Sugar Free

It's Monday, June 22nd. What have I been doing all month? Why, a 21-Day Cleanse that's what. That's right. Since June 1st I've avoided:

• Sugar
• Caffeine
• All animal products
• Gluten
• Alcohol

It all started when I got back from a trip to New York. As I was looking at my receipts for my expense report, I realized that I had more than my share of pretty much everything on the list above and I didn't feel that great. I was tired and puffy. I felt like crap. Which is not to say I felt great when I left on the trip in the first place.

I happened to pick up an advanced copy of a book on that trip that outlined a 21 Day cleanse and I read the first part of it at the airport while waiting for my delayed flight... and eating dinner at Panda Express (in my defense, choices are very limited in the Virgin America terminal at JFK).

I started the plan on June 1st, a Monday. As always, I was excited to start something new and, although this plan isn't really about weight loss as much as it is about cleaning the body of toxins and cravings, of course I hoped for the best. I figured a 21-Day anything is good for a 10 pound loss, right? Note: the only exception to this plan: I gave myself permission to have greek yogurt. It's just one of those things that I love and, let's face it, nonfat greek yogurt is not my biggest issue. What else did I eat? Lot's of stuff. And I found some really good recipes and ingredients that I wouldn't have use otherwise, but I'll post about those at another time.

Day 1 was fine. I'd stocked up on all kinds of fruits and veggies and gluten free things and I was fine.
Day 2 was ok if you don't count the dull headache at the end of the day.
Day 3 was not so great. I felt tired and I didn't like the black bean soup I took to work for lunch. But I stuck with all day. My headache was seriously setting in by the time I left the office. Byt the time I got home that night, it was debilitating. I couldn't see straight. I was nauseous. I drank extra water (my cure-all) and went to bed early. I slept from 7:30-6:45. When I woke up, I felt much better.
Day 4-6 So far, so good. Cravings gone for the most part. Not even really missing coffee that much.
Day 7 My son's bday party. Started out great. Made vegan cupcakes and they were disgusting. Jut horrible. I'm not saying all vegan cupcakes are bad, but these we're inedible. I regrouped and made the most wholesome cupcakes I could muster at the last minute. I made the conscience decision to have a single cupcake that day. It was not sugar or gluten or dairy free, but it scrumptious. Later that evening, I also had a beer. It had been a long, hot day. It was not an alcohol free beer ;-).
Day 8-13 Totally on plan.
Day 14 Sunday morning. Really wanted a cup of coffee. Didn't give in to that, but did have a bagel. It was good but I didn't let it derail me completely. Went to the farmer's market and stocked up on fresh veggies and fruits for the week.
Day 15 Stayed strong but some it was a struggle
Day 16 One word: cappuccino. It was delicious.
Day 17 Another cappuccino, but not as delicious this time. Realized that I can do coffee occasionally without it ruling my life. Bonus points for me: cappuccino has far less milk and calories in it that my usual latte, so cutting back on two things with one smallish change.
Day 18-20 In the home stretch and realizing that I really can make most of these changes and stick with them. Had spicy tuna roll for lunch. Not feeling guilty about a little raw tuna. At least it was brown rice.
Day 21, Father's Day. Didn't completely stick to plan (made savory crepes for breakfast=eggs, gluten) and posole for dinner (chicken stock).

All in all, I did great. I've been calling this an experiment because I wanted to see how I felt physically, but it was just as much a mental experiment for me. My craving are pretty much gone. Is that a physical thing or a mental thing? I'm not sure, but it's a good thing. It's Day 22 at 2:30pm and I'm not hungry at all. I'm not dying to have... anything. Maybe some water... I'm kinda thirsty. This morning I had a gluten free waffle with strawberries. For lunch I had leftover squash tacos in corn tortillas. No coffee. No sugar. I'm fine.

What I don't think I can continue with is the no animal products. I wish I could go vegan but for several reasons (sushi anyone?), it's just not realistic for me right now. Maybe I'll post about that some other time, too.

So, now for the big weight loss reveal... ready... 6.2 pounds. Not bad. But not 10. On June 1, I was 221.0--I'd gained everything back and then some. This morning I was 214.8. I don't think you need me to point out that my net loss of the year to date is not stellar. What to do, what to do?

Two things:

1. Stick with some of the new habits I've formed: avoid sugar, gluten, and alcohol; limit animal products and caffeine; maintain increased amount of veegies and fresh fruits; drink more water.
2. Get a move on! I've made no progress at all in getting more exercise. I'm so all or nothing when it comes to exercise. Here's my latest: I've downloaded the C25K app to my iPhone. Today is Day 1. It's a 9 week plan to get me running 5k (3.1 miles) nonstop. I've scoped out a 5k the first weekend in Sept. I'll run 3-4 times a week with pushups, crunches, tricep dips, pullups on the in-between days.

Happy now? I am.

How many K's?

I'm actually considering....gasp....training to run a 5K. When I watched last week's Biggest Loser I was inspired by the marathon challenge. I just kept thinking, "It would feel so great to be ABLE to run!" And it would. What freedom that would be! What an adrenaline rush!

For someone who has been overweight her entire adult life, and some of her teen years to boot, this seems like dreaming the impossible dream. But if there's one thing I've learned since baby Elvis' birth it's that I can do hard things. I really can.

I'm so tired of feeling like the overweight equivalent of Jacob Marley in Dickens' A Christmas Carol, weighed down and in bondage from the many chains I have forged through years of physical neglect and abuse. I want to break free!

So how are things going right now? Pretty well. I'm making progress. I can feel new muscle. I feel a bit more energetic. I'm trying my darnedest to make the Insulin Resistance Diet work for me. I know if I do that, it'll help a lot. I'm exercising every day, except Sunday. I'm getting there. I think. I just have to stick with it long enough to see the beginning fruits of my labors. I can be patient if I see that I'm making progress.

I'm also trying to tell myself things that I would never have told myself before. "You're a runner." "You are prediabetic and hypoglycemic." "You can do hard things." "You can get back to a healthy weight and feel good again." Positive talk. In that same vein I'm trying to delete the negative talk that has plagued me since my teen years. It's hard, but I can do hard things, remember?

Above all, I must remember......Whatever you tell yourself you are is what you will become. Hmmm. In that case, I'm a runner who completes 5K's!

Weigh-In: Week 18

Oh where, oh were has my motivation gone? Oh where, oh where can it be?

What? You don't like my singing? Oh, I see. You don't my singing the same ole song. I get it. Put up or shut up. Or perhaps put up AND shut up is more like it. I can take a hint.

PS For the record, my shoes dyed my toes black... just in case you were wondering what was up with that.

Well, 18 weeks in and I've lost.....oh, wait! I've gained! Woohoo! Kidding aside, I have had to become more proactive in my approach. My doctors aren't helping and have no compassion for what I'm going through. I'm not convinced they even believe I for sure have PCOS (I have been diagnosed already by another doctor). Anyway, after a total waste of time 3-hour appointment, I came away with no help at all. Forget them! I'm taking over. If no one will help me then I will just research and figure this out by myself. I'll be following the guidelines of the Insulin-Resistance Diet, continuing exercise, and trying my best to keep a healthy mindset. Wish me luck.

The 1% Principle

I learned an important concept at a homeschool conference a couple of years ago. I can't recall the exact wording of the speaker, but the basic message was this: even if you focus on one small thing (1%), if you do it well, it will have a ripple effect on everything else in your life...or compound (as in interest).

At the time, I understood it but didn't really think to implement it. But lately, I've tried to. I've tried it with homeschooling, with getting a morning routine going, and with gardening. I've even tried it with exercise.

Normally, I'm an all or nothing girl. I don't do this on purpose. It's just where my mindset usually ends up. I orchestrate some grand plan for getting all aspects of my life in order simultaneously, then feel like a complete failure when the pressure of it all shuts me down.

No longer! I've been doing a pretty good job of working on a little bit here and there, getting it to become a habit, and then looking to where else I can improve. And I have found that the 1% principle is true. It really does work.

When I started taking Alli (which by the way, is not working so far), I read an interesting quote in the guidebook that came with it: "I can be patient if I see that I'm making progress." I have thought about that quote over and over in the past few weeks. And I've come to realize that this is very true of me. I am not a patient person, and I will always want it right now! But I can be patient when I see that progress is being made, albeit small. And this idea is proving true in homeschooling, gardening, and establishing routines.

Where this is not working right now is in weight loss. I am not losing any weight despite exercising more, eating less, and taking Alli (some weeks I actually gain). I'm really frustrated here. I'm hoping that my appointment with the endocrinologist this week will be helpful. I'm going to beg and plead for help with my weight loss, because I don't know what else to do. If I was home all day by myself maybe I could focus nearly my entire day on weight loss efforts, but do I really want to have to resort to an obsessive mentality about this? Shouldn't it be something that is sustainable and that won't burn me out? If they can't help me, I really don't know where to turn.

But until then, I will keep up my new exercise routine. I've been getting my exercise in early....at about 6:30 a.m. I've been trying to alternate between cardio and weights. For cardio right now I'm focusing on doing the Couch to 5K program from coolrunning.com except I'm taking it much slower. I really don't care how long it takes, I'll just keep improving daily (1% principle again). For weights, I'm just using the 1/2 hour I have to do arms since that is where I am the weakest. The exercise is getting done early, and I don't have to stress over it for the rest of the day.

In addition to this, I have started scheduling early morning gardening time with my boys. We do garden chores for 1/2 hour after breakfast. That 1% principle is helping here too, as I am not so completely overwhelmed at the ginormous list of garden tasks 7 acres has to offer. I'm slowly making progress on that list, things are actually getting done, I get to be outside which helps my mood and internal body clock, and I'm doing some physical activity. I'm not seeing any of this activity pay off on the scales, but hopefully that will change.

Why do I have a rock climber posted here? Well, that's how I see myself. Sort of. I could sit at the bottom of the mountain complaining about how long it would take me to reach the summit. I could go a few steps and look up and just quit. But that won't help me climb the mountain. How do you climb a mountain? One step at a time. Some steps take longer than others. Sometimes you have to move laterally for a while until you can get a better foothold. But it's all progress. And that's what I'm focusing on. Progress, however small it may be.

peggy sig

Weigh-In: Week 16

I hate to say it, but I was actually glad to see that I was the same as last week. Why? Because one blue, blue day in the middle of the week, I dared step on the scale and saw that I had gained something like 5 pounds in a couple of days. What??!! I knew it was just one of those things and it wasn't a real gain and this weigh in proves it. Is that something to be proud of? Not really.

Well, I'm at a loss for word about no loss for weight. I ate less this week, moved more and here I am weighing more. I honestly am starting to think something is wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm taking Alli, exercising, gardening, eating less. And now that I have trip for Thanksgiving to get ready for, I had hoped that a modest 1.5 pounds lost a week would be doable. I was trying for that this week but gained a half pound instead. I'm stymied.

Never give up what you want most for what you want right now.

I realized something over the course of the last few days. It all started when I started reading a book called Naturally Thin. It's written by ... (wait. am I really going to admit this?)... one of the Real Housewives of New York. Have you seen that show on Bravo? It's a ridiculous waste of time, but I've seen more than my fair share of episodes. All of them, perhaps, but who's counting?

Anyway, this tiny size 0 girl who's not even a housewife but who is a natural foods chef is probably my favorite on the show. She says hilarious things and seems to notice that the lives of the other housewives are not as "Real" as most of ours are. And she wrote this book because she is into healthy foods/has had food issues/is smart enough to cash in on one of the few niches in book publishing that's making any money (diet books). For me, it was quite the impulse buy. I really don't need another book telling me what I already know. And certainly not written by a reality show flavor of the week. When it comes down to it, I should be out hiking my hills or walking my dog or pulling my weeds. Anything but watching reality TV or--even worse-- spending money on a book written by a size 0 non real, non housewife. But I did. And I'm sorta glad.

One of the things she talks about in the book is this notion of balance. You balance your checkbook, you balance your calories (although she doesn't advise counting calories, but you have to have a sense of how much you're taking in...) , you balance your meals. And by balancing your meals, she doesn't mean 30%/30%/40%, it's simpler than that: if you have a big lunch, have a light dinner. If you have a protein heavy breakfast, have a salad for lunch. Easy, right? Her point is that it's not about a "diet" it's about a mindset. And I totally get that.

But guess what... I have the worst mindset when it comes to balancing anything. Anything. ANYTHING. Money. Food. Time. My attention. I'm out of whack in a number of ways. I don't know why this is, but I can see a pattern going way back. I've never been good with money. I love it and I hate it. Same with food. I can see that my "issues" with both are very similar. I almost live in denial with both. I hate checking my bank balance. It makes my panicky. I'm horrible at making/sticking to a budget. I just don't even like to think about it. Same with food, although I make "new plans" all the time, I don't stick to them. I hate thinking about a food plan, mapping things out. Making my lunches for the week. Planning dinners. With money, there's never enough or there would be if I was more attentive to the budget, but I'm not and it's frustrating and discouraging and I hate it (is there an echo in here). And with food, it's sort of the same only opposite. Does that make sense? It's such a lack of control that I exhibit over both things. Which is weired because I'm such a control freak about other things. Is that the problem? I'm avoiding these two areas because I can't keep them in control? Or vice verse? Isn't this all so silly? I mean, I'm a smart woman. I can do this. So why am I not?

So all this has been swirling around in my head and then this afternoon Peggy Sue (thanks PS, your timing is amazing!) sends me this quote:
"Never give up what you want most for what you want right now."

And I realize that this all fits together. What do I want most? I want to feel better about myself. About how I look, about how I feel, about how I handle my finances, about how I spend my time. Balance. I want balance in my life. I allow myself to be pulled in so many directions that I'm never balanced. I don't allow myself time to find balance.

I had a good day today in terms of food. Maybe because I kept reminding myself to keep things balanced. We went to a birthday party today for two of my nephews and there was junk galore, but I made really good choices. I could have eaten a bunch of pizza and cake but I had a salad and 1/2 a piece of cheese pizza after. I had a few bites of cake but just enough to not feel deprived and that was fine. I did keep my calories in mind and I came in right at goal today. I was balanced today--at least in terms of my meals. I feel good about that.

Weigh-In: Week 15

I don't know what to say. I can't but be discouraged by my serious lameness of late. It doesn't feel that great to be back pedaling so quickly. I'm sick of this mentality that I keep falling back into. I really am. I'm determined to get my act together. Why am I just wasting time with all this back and forth??

A late dinner last night sabotaged what would probably have been a minimum .5 loss. Oh well. Hey, I'm back at my starting weight!!!!!! Woo-stinkin'-hoo. I can't believe this. I had such high hopes when we started this blog. I had expected to lose at least 15 pounds by now. And here I am...back at the beginning. Can't quit though. I just have to plow through this.

Daily Report: Day 98

It was another so-so day. Better than a bad day, but didn't end up being the day I'd planned.

Calories: 1783
Exercise: Had planned to join a gym tonight after work, but it didn't happen for a number of reasons. Planning again for tomorrow.
Water: 65 oz

Victories: Water. Did much better, but still room for improvement.
Defeats: Exercise or lack thereof. I need to make some big changes in that department.

Daily Report: Day 97

An ok day food wise. Did a lot an awful lot of sitting at my computer working today, so can't claim to have gotten my exercise in.

Calories: 1568
Exercise: none
Water: about 50 oz

Victories: walked away from a cupcake and didn't look back
Defeats: worked too much and didn't make time for exercise at all.

Daily Report: Day 96

Day 96?! Where is the year going? And why isn't my extra poundage going with it? Because I'm being lazy, that's why! But today was different. Sort of. At least I tracked my calories. Not bad, not great. Better than yesterday.

Calories: 1794
Exercise: 2 miles walking
Water: Not enough

Victories: Only served myself half a sandwich during work-related lunch. Took 2 bites of what should have been a delicious cookie and through the rest away because it wasn't. Chose another flavor, ate half tossed the rest. Sorry to wasteful, starving children in Africa, but my new motto is: if it ain't tasty, it's wasty. Yeah, I need to work on my mottos.
Defeats: Realized AFTER I ate half a sandwich, that the whole sandwich would have been almost 800 calories. 400 cals for half a sandwich? So not worth it!

OnStar? I think I need directions...

Hello? This is Betty Lou and I'm lost. Where was I going? Well, I thought I was on the road to health and wellness/hotness, but I must have taken a wrong turn on or about March 10 and I've been driving aimlessly for weeks now. There were a few time where I thought I was back on the right road, but I realize now that I've just been going around in circles.

I have a number of good excuses: the kids in the back seat distracted me; there were other good-hearted but clueless drivers on the road... drivers that bake and share the goodies; the car broke down in front of a birthday party and I had to go in to use the ... cupcake? I guess one won't hurt!; I got car sick. To be honest, it's just hard to stay on the right track. It just is.

So, OnStar, can you help me? The big sign that says "stop"? Yes, I see it right in front of me. Let me see if I have this straight: I come to a complete stop at the stop sign and then proceed with caution through the intersection of Popcorn and Cookies; I'll pass Ice Cream, Tortilla Chips and Full Fat Cheese on the right and Mini Bagels with Butter on the left; proceed onto the Expressway of Fitness and Well Being (stopping along the way for walks, time at the gym, and the farmer's market) and I'll see the signs to Happiness. Just follow the signs? Got it! Thank you so much.

Weigh-In: Week 13

Blame mother nature for me being up from last week. Not that I was on plan for the most part, but I know this isn't an additional gain. I've really been sort of taking it one meal at a time and I've done ok, but I haven't been tracking. This week I'm going back to tracking calories. Has to be done.



I knew it would be higher this week. I could feel it. Hopefully this Alli will help me out some.

April Showers Bring May Flowers...

...and hopefully an April recommitment will bring a May reward. I want to lose 20 pounds by the end of May (and BL is trying for this as well). I have a homeschool conference to attend, and it would be so nice to have some clothes to wear for it....comfortable clothes!

Here's my plan:

• Alli: I bought a pack of Alli yesterday and am going to try it out. It's not a rapid weight loss pill, and doesn't affect my heart (which already has issues, so that's good). It's supposed to boost your weight loss efforts, not be a weight loss tool on its own.
• Exercise: I've been so busy and so tired that I haven't been feeling well enough or feeling committed enough to do regular exercise. So for now, I'm working in the garden for 1/2 hour each day with Obi-wan. If I can get a 1 or 2 mile walk in with the kids, I'll do it.
• Food: This is my biggest hurdle. Low-fat is usually not hard for me to eat, but low sugar is. Until I can meet with the endocrinologist in May, I'll have to just try to eat less sugar. Eating lots of fat and taking Alli will have me spending a lot of time in the, uh, bathroom. So eating lower fat will be important. I just have to try to behave better. Ideally, I should be recording calories and fat, but I just don't have that kind of time right now. If the weight doesn't start coming off, I will do it though, because that will be an obvious sign that I'm not doing it right.

Okay. Well. Here goes. This weight has to come off. I cannot live this way. I feel like the Michelin tire guy and I hate the way my body feels. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I can do this. I have to. And like BL said to me last week, if I do have to have surgery for my heart condition I really ought to be in the best shape possible.

Weigh-In: Week 12

Disappointing to see that it's possible gain back almost 4 pounds in less than half the time it took me to lose it, isn't it? I'm trying to get my head back in the game.


This is REALLY late getting posted (sorry BL). I know that my weigh in tomorrow will be more. I had hoped to have lost more because of my hospital stay, but no such luck. I really think my PCOS must be screwing things up. I haven't been eating enough to gain weight, or even stay the same. I might try to go on Alli for a while and see it that helps. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in May to discuss how to manage my PCOS. I hate that I have to wait that long, but what're you gonna do?

What's up with this weather?

I walked 2 miles last Monday in the snow, all bundled up. Today, I walked that same 2 miles in 77 degree weather with all my kids and the baby in the stroller! It was a really nice day out. So beautiful! And it feels good to know that my exercise is done for the day. Because even though it was a nice day,

I still hate exercise!

Weigh-In: Week 9

Somehow I did it again. I can't help but feel that I don't deserve this because I wasn't on plan for most of the time this past week. I didn't exercise at all but most days I hardly ate at all, too. I can't keep that up, even if it does look mighty fine on the scale. And as proof that that it's not good to combine a busy, stressful week with not eating right, I'm not coming down with a cold. But maybe, in some way, I am making long term changes because this week would have given my the perfect excuse to overeat and just plain not care. In addition to a crazy busy week at work, my cat, who had been sick for a while, died. I had to make the decision to take him and put him down. No amount of comfort food can bring my cat back, right?



For some reason I thought that my weigh-in from last week was lower, but it was the same as this week. Not much to be proud of, but at least I didn't gain. I'm trying to wrap my brain around why someone who wants to be slender so badly would continue to eat sabotage foods in sabotage amounts. I am so miserable at this weight....I just hate the way my body feels. I have to find a way to get through this. Now that baby Elvis is eating well and gaining weight, maybe I can relax and get back into getting myself healthy.

Derailed.

Absent Girl's been at it again. Just when she recommits and decides to give this her all, she gets bad news from the pediatrician. Then, just when she decides that the pediatrician has Ramen noodles for brains and that she should just trust her motherly intuition and get on with it, she gets the mother of all head colds.

I have been severely derailed.

And knowing how stressful life has been lately, and also knowing that I cannot possibly keep all my irons in the fire all burning at the same intensity, I have come to realize that it's time to revamp my goals for weight loss. I still want to lose 50 pounds, mind you; but for the time being, the intensity of my efforts is going to have to slow down a bit. But seeing as how I am often an all-or-nothing girl, I think it's a good thing to try a lower intensity instead of just giving up. So in an effort to adapt to my surroundings/circumstances/pediatrician attacks, here is what I'm working toward at the moment:

• Walking at least 3 times a week (I did walk in the snow this Monday!)
• Drinking lots of water
• Eating and enjoying healthy foods
• Attempting to exercise portion control (this is so hard for me because I eat fast)
• Limiting, not omitting, treats

I'm afraid that's the best I can do right now. But it really is better than nothing. I've gained weight over the last 3 weeks, and it's time to stop that insanity. It may take me a while, but at least I'll be moving in the right direction.

Betty Lou, thanks for not giving up on me!

Weigh-In: Weeks 7 & 8

Let's see. Week 7 was a decent weigh-in but I knew it was somewhat of a fluke. I wasn't surprised when I weigh-in this week (Week 8) and saw that I'd gained a little bit back.

Still... this is week 8--almost week 9-- and I haven't even lost a pound a week on average. I have nobody to blame but myself. I need to make me a priority and it's so hard! I'm just trying to stick to my plan for a day, and sometimes an hour, at a time.



Peggy Sue says that Peggy Sue is a loser! Okay, not in the good way either. I've been so stressed lately and it's shown up on the scales. Still adjusting to baby #5 (shouldn't this be old hat for me by now??) and having a hard time dealing with everything in life. I have to resort my goals...will be posting about that soon. I feel bad that I've basically abandoned Betty Lou, although she knows the stress I've been under, as well as the fact that I've been pretty sick this week. All I can do is keep trying to be healthier. But I worry that I may never realize my slender-as-this-body-will-get dreams.

Day 60: Daily Report

Breakfast

• Fage 0% yogurt
• Go Lean Crunch
• blueberries
• 1 tsp honey

Snack

• Balance Bar

Lunch

• chicken soup
• 12 pretzels
• apple

Snack

• Balance Bar

Dinner

• meatloaf (ground turkey, brown rice, lots o' diced veggies)
• green salad w/lf balsamic

Water

• 80oz

Exercise

• No. Argh!

Calories/fat/% 2284/72/28%

Observations: I thought I was doing so well today and I let the thought of some stupid cookies through me way off. I purposely didn't buy any this years and then I got word that my daughter did and that they were on their way home. So I had that second Balance Bar and ened up with a stomach ache. Dang Girl Scouts. I'd also planned to walk 3 miles this evening and a huge storm blew in. If it was sprinkling, no big deal, but it's seriously windy and pouring now. I should have stuck to my original plan of getting my exercise done in the morning, but for some reason, that NEVER happens!

Daily Report: Day 59

Breakfast

• cheese bagel w/1 tblsp lf cream cheese
• 1 cup grapes

Lunch

• cheese bagel egg sandwich
• handful of raisins
  

Snack

• nf cappuccino
• 1 piece dark chocolate

Dinner

• roasted chicken breast
  
• 1 cup roasted (w/splash of olive oil) veggies (cauliflower, cherry tomatoes, carrots)
• 1 cup mashed potatoes/cauliflower (made with plain greek yogurt)

Water

• about 80 oz

Exercise

• not

Calories/fat/%: 1599/44/24%

Observations: I went a little overboard with the bagels early in the day but I ended up ok for the day. I was busy all day, but didn't get any exercise in...that fact that it rained all day didn't help. For the next week, I'm going to try to get up early and get my exercise in first thing.