Weigh-In: Week 16

I hate to say it, but I was actually glad to see that I was the same as last week. Why? Because one blue, blue day in the middle of the week, I dared step on the scale and saw that I had gained something like 5 pounds in a couple of days. What??!! I knew it was just one of those things and it wasn't a real gain and this weigh in proves it. Is that something to be proud of? Not really.

Well, I'm at a loss for word about no loss for weight. I ate less this week, moved more and here I am weighing more. I honestly am starting to think something is wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm taking Alli, exercising, gardening, eating less. And now that I have trip for Thanksgiving to get ready for, I had hoped that a modest 1.5 pounds lost a week would be doable. I was trying for that this week but gained a half pound instead. I'm stymied.

Never give up what you want most for what you want right now.

I realized something over the course of the last few days. It all started when I started reading a book called Naturally Thin. It's written by ... (wait. am I really going to admit this?)... one of the Real Housewives of New York. Have you seen that show on Bravo? It's a ridiculous waste of time, but I've seen more than my fair share of episodes. All of them, perhaps, but who's counting?

Anyway, this tiny size 0 girl who's not even a housewife but who is a natural foods chef is probably my favorite on the show. She says hilarious things and seems to notice that the lives of the other housewives are not as "Real" as most of ours are. And she wrote this book because she is into healthy foods/has had food issues/is smart enough to cash in on one of the few niches in book publishing that's making any money (diet books). For me, it was quite the impulse buy. I really don't need another book telling me what I already know. And certainly not written by a reality show flavor of the week. When it comes down to it, I should be out hiking my hills or walking my dog or pulling my weeds. Anything but watching reality TV or--even worse-- spending money on a book written by a size 0 non real, non housewife. But I did. And I'm sorta glad.

One of the things she talks about in the book is this notion of balance. You balance your checkbook, you balance your calories (although she doesn't advise counting calories, but you have to have a sense of how much you're taking in...) , you balance your meals. And by balancing your meals, she doesn't mean 30%/30%/40%, it's simpler than that: if you have a big lunch, have a light dinner. If you have a protein heavy breakfast, have a salad for lunch. Easy, right? Her point is that it's not about a "diet" it's about a mindset. And I totally get that.

But guess what... I have the worst mindset when it comes to balancing anything. Anything. ANYTHING. Money. Food. Time. My attention. I'm out of whack in a number of ways. I don't know why this is, but I can see a pattern going way back. I've never been good with money. I love it and I hate it. Same with food. I can see that my "issues" with both are very similar. I almost live in denial with both. I hate checking my bank balance. It makes my panicky. I'm horrible at making/sticking to a budget. I just don't even like to think about it. Same with food, although I make "new plans" all the time, I don't stick to them. I hate thinking about a food plan, mapping things out. Making my lunches for the week. Planning dinners. With money, there's never enough or there would be if I was more attentive to the budget, but I'm not and it's frustrating and discouraging and I hate it (is there an echo in here). And with food, it's sort of the same only opposite. Does that make sense? It's such a lack of control that I exhibit over both things. Which is weired because I'm such a control freak about other things. Is that the problem? I'm avoiding these two areas because I can't keep them in control? Or vice verse? Isn't this all so silly? I mean, I'm a smart woman. I can do this. So why am I not?

So all this has been swirling around in my head and then this afternoon Peggy Sue (thanks PS, your timing is amazing!) sends me this quote:
"Never give up what you want most for what you want right now."

And I realize that this all fits together. What do I want most? I want to feel better about myself. About how I look, about how I feel, about how I handle my finances, about how I spend my time. Balance. I want balance in my life. I allow myself to be pulled in so many directions that I'm never balanced. I don't allow myself time to find balance.

I had a good day today in terms of food. Maybe because I kept reminding myself to keep things balanced. We went to a birthday party today for two of my nephews and there was junk galore, but I made really good choices. I could have eaten a bunch of pizza and cake but I had a salad and 1/2 a piece of cheese pizza after. I had a few bites of cake but just enough to not feel deprived and that was fine. I did keep my calories in mind and I came in right at goal today. I was balanced today--at least in terms of my meals. I feel good about that.

Weigh-In: Week 15

I don't know what to say. I can't but be discouraged by my serious lameness of late. It doesn't feel that great to be back pedaling so quickly. I'm sick of this mentality that I keep falling back into. I really am. I'm determined to get my act together. Why am I just wasting time with all this back and forth??

A late dinner last night sabotaged what would probably have been a minimum .5 loss. Oh well. Hey, I'm back at my starting weight!!!!!! Woo-stinkin'-hoo. I can't believe this. I had such high hopes when we started this blog. I had expected to lose at least 15 pounds by now. And here I am...back at the beginning. Can't quit though. I just have to plow through this.

Daily Report: Day 98

It was another so-so day. Better than a bad day, but didn't end up being the day I'd planned.

Calories: 1783
Exercise: Had planned to join a gym tonight after work, but it didn't happen for a number of reasons. Planning again for tomorrow.
Water: 65 oz

Victories: Water. Did much better, but still room for improvement.
Defeats: Exercise or lack thereof. I need to make some big changes in that department.

Daily Report: Day 97

An ok day food wise. Did a lot an awful lot of sitting at my computer working today, so can't claim to have gotten my exercise in.

Calories: 1568
Exercise: none
Water: about 50 oz

Victories: walked away from a cupcake and didn't look back
Defeats: worked too much and didn't make time for exercise at all.

Daily Report: Day 96

Day 96?! Where is the year going? And why isn't my extra poundage going with it? Because I'm being lazy, that's why! But today was different. Sort of. At least I tracked my calories. Not bad, not great. Better than yesterday.

Calories: 1794
Exercise: 2 miles walking
Water: Not enough

Victories: Only served myself half a sandwich during work-related lunch. Took 2 bites of what should have been a delicious cookie and through the rest away because it wasn't. Chose another flavor, ate half tossed the rest. Sorry to wasteful, starving children in Africa, but my new motto is: if it ain't tasty, it's wasty. Yeah, I need to work on my mottos.
Defeats: Realized AFTER I ate half a sandwich, that the whole sandwich would have been almost 800 calories. 400 cals for half a sandwich? So not worth it!

OnStar? I think I need directions...

Hello? This is Betty Lou and I'm lost. Where was I going? Well, I thought I was on the road to health and wellness/hotness, but I must have taken a wrong turn on or about March 10 and I've been driving aimlessly for weeks now. There were a few time where I thought I was back on the right road, but I realize now that I've just been going around in circles.

I have a number of good excuses: the kids in the back seat distracted me; there were other good-hearted but clueless drivers on the road... drivers that bake and share the goodies; the car broke down in front of a birthday party and I had to go in to use the ... cupcake? I guess one won't hurt!; I got car sick. To be honest, it's just hard to stay on the right track. It just is.

So, OnStar, can you help me? The big sign that says "stop"? Yes, I see it right in front of me. Let me see if I have this straight: I come to a complete stop at the stop sign and then proceed with caution through the intersection of Popcorn and Cookies; I'll pass Ice Cream, Tortilla Chips and Full Fat Cheese on the right and Mini Bagels with Butter on the left; proceed onto the Expressway of Fitness and Well Being (stopping along the way for walks, time at the gym, and the farmer's market) and I'll see the signs to Happiness. Just follow the signs? Got it! Thank you so much.

Weigh-In: Week 13

Blame mother nature for me being up from last week. Not that I was on plan for the most part, but I know this isn't an additional gain. I've really been sort of taking it one meal at a time and I've done ok, but I haven't been tracking. This week I'm going back to tracking calories. Has to be done.



I knew it would be higher this week. I could feel it. Hopefully this Alli will help me out some.

April Showers Bring May Flowers...

...and hopefully an April recommitment will bring a May reward. I want to lose 20 pounds by the end of May (and BL is trying for this as well). I have a homeschool conference to attend, and it would be so nice to have some clothes to wear for it....comfortable clothes!

Here's my plan:

• Alli: I bought a pack of Alli yesterday and am going to try it out. It's not a rapid weight loss pill, and doesn't affect my heart (which already has issues, so that's good). It's supposed to boost your weight loss efforts, not be a weight loss tool on its own.
• Exercise: I've been so busy and so tired that I haven't been feeling well enough or feeling committed enough to do regular exercise. So for now, I'm working in the garden for 1/2 hour each day with Obi-wan. If I can get a 1 or 2 mile walk in with the kids, I'll do it.
• Food: This is my biggest hurdle. Low-fat is usually not hard for me to eat, but low sugar is. Until I can meet with the endocrinologist in May, I'll have to just try to eat less sugar. Eating lots of fat and taking Alli will have me spending a lot of time in the, uh, bathroom. So eating lower fat will be important. I just have to try to behave better. Ideally, I should be recording calories and fat, but I just don't have that kind of time right now. If the weight doesn't start coming off, I will do it though, because that will be an obvious sign that I'm not doing it right.

Okay. Well. Here goes. This weight has to come off. I cannot live this way. I feel like the Michelin tire guy and I hate the way my body feels. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin. I can do this. I have to. And like BL said to me last week, if I do have to have surgery for my heart condition I really ought to be in the best shape possible.

Weigh-In: Week 12

Disappointing to see that it's possible gain back almost 4 pounds in less than half the time it took me to lose it, isn't it? I'm trying to get my head back in the game.


This is REALLY late getting posted (sorry BL). I know that my weigh in tomorrow will be more. I had hoped to have lost more because of my hospital stay, but no such luck. I really think my PCOS must be screwing things up. I haven't been eating enough to gain weight, or even stay the same. I might try to go on Alli for a while and see it that helps. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in May to discuss how to manage my PCOS. I hate that I have to wait that long, but what're you gonna do?