How many K's?

I'm actually considering....gasp....training to run a 5K. When I watched last week's Biggest Loser I was inspired by the marathon challenge. I just kept thinking, "It would feel so great to be ABLE to run!" And it would. What freedom that would be! What an adrenaline rush!

For someone who has been overweight her entire adult life, and some of her teen years to boot, this seems like dreaming the impossible dream. But if there's one thing I've learned since baby Elvis' birth it's that I can do hard things. I really can.

I'm so tired of feeling like the overweight equivalent of Jacob Marley in Dickens' A Christmas Carol, weighed down and in bondage from the many chains I have forged through years of physical neglect and abuse. I want to break free!

So how are things going right now? Pretty well. I'm making progress. I can feel new muscle. I feel a bit more energetic. I'm trying my darnedest to make the Insulin Resistance Diet work for me. I know if I do that, it'll help a lot. I'm exercising every day, except Sunday. I'm getting there. I think. I just have to stick with it long enough to see the beginning fruits of my labors. I can be patient if I see that I'm making progress.

I'm also trying to tell myself things that I would never have told myself before. "You're a runner." "You are prediabetic and hypoglycemic." "You can do hard things." "You can get back to a healthy weight and feel good again." Positive talk. In that same vein I'm trying to delete the negative talk that has plagued me since my teen years. It's hard, but I can do hard things, remember?

Above all, I must remember......Whatever you tell yourself you are is what you will become. Hmmm. In that case, I'm a runner who completes 5K's!

Weigh-In: Week 18

Oh where, oh were has my motivation gone? Oh where, oh where can it be?

What? You don't like my singing? Oh, I see. You don't my singing the same ole song. I get it. Put up or shut up. Or perhaps put up AND shut up is more like it. I can take a hint.

PS For the record, my shoes dyed my toes black... just in case you were wondering what was up with that.

Well, 18 weeks in and I've lost.....oh, wait! I've gained! Woohoo! Kidding aside, I have had to become more proactive in my approach. My doctors aren't helping and have no compassion for what I'm going through. I'm not convinced they even believe I for sure have PCOS (I have been diagnosed already by another doctor). Anyway, after a total waste of time 3-hour appointment, I came away with no help at all. Forget them! I'm taking over. If no one will help me then I will just research and figure this out by myself. I'll be following the guidelines of the Insulin-Resistance Diet, continuing exercise, and trying my best to keep a healthy mindset. Wish me luck.

The 1% Principle

I learned an important concept at a homeschool conference a couple of years ago. I can't recall the exact wording of the speaker, but the basic message was this: even if you focus on one small thing (1%), if you do it well, it will have a ripple effect on everything else in your life...or compound (as in interest).

At the time, I understood it but didn't really think to implement it. But lately, I've tried to. I've tried it with homeschooling, with getting a morning routine going, and with gardening. I've even tried it with exercise.

Normally, I'm an all or nothing girl. I don't do this on purpose. It's just where my mindset usually ends up. I orchestrate some grand plan for getting all aspects of my life in order simultaneously, then feel like a complete failure when the pressure of it all shuts me down.

No longer! I've been doing a pretty good job of working on a little bit here and there, getting it to become a habit, and then looking to where else I can improve. And I have found that the 1% principle is true. It really does work.

When I started taking Alli (which by the way, is not working so far), I read an interesting quote in the guidebook that came with it: "I can be patient if I see that I'm making progress." I have thought about that quote over and over in the past few weeks. And I've come to realize that this is very true of me. I am not a patient person, and I will always want it right now! But I can be patient when I see that progress is being made, albeit small. And this idea is proving true in homeschooling, gardening, and establishing routines.

Where this is not working right now is in weight loss. I am not losing any weight despite exercising more, eating less, and taking Alli (some weeks I actually gain). I'm really frustrated here. I'm hoping that my appointment with the endocrinologist this week will be helpful. I'm going to beg and plead for help with my weight loss, because I don't know what else to do. If I was home all day by myself maybe I could focus nearly my entire day on weight loss efforts, but do I really want to have to resort to an obsessive mentality about this? Shouldn't it be something that is sustainable and that won't burn me out? If they can't help me, I really don't know where to turn.

But until then, I will keep up my new exercise routine. I've been getting my exercise in early....at about 6:30 a.m. I've been trying to alternate between cardio and weights. For cardio right now I'm focusing on doing the Couch to 5K program from coolrunning.com except I'm taking it much slower. I really don't care how long it takes, I'll just keep improving daily (1% principle again). For weights, I'm just using the 1/2 hour I have to do arms since that is where I am the weakest. The exercise is getting done early, and I don't have to stress over it for the rest of the day.

In addition to this, I have started scheduling early morning gardening time with my boys. We do garden chores for 1/2 hour after breakfast. That 1% principle is helping here too, as I am not so completely overwhelmed at the ginormous list of garden tasks 7 acres has to offer. I'm slowly making progress on that list, things are actually getting done, I get to be outside which helps my mood and internal body clock, and I'm doing some physical activity. I'm not seeing any of this activity pay off on the scales, but hopefully that will change.

Why do I have a rock climber posted here? Well, that's how I see myself. Sort of. I could sit at the bottom of the mountain complaining about how long it would take me to reach the summit. I could go a few steps and look up and just quit. But that won't help me climb the mountain. How do you climb a mountain? One step at a time. Some steps take longer than others. Sometimes you have to move laterally for a while until you can get a better foothold. But it's all progress. And that's what I'm focusing on. Progress, however small it may be.

peggy sig

Weigh-In: Week 16

I hate to say it, but I was actually glad to see that I was the same as last week. Why? Because one blue, blue day in the middle of the week, I dared step on the scale and saw that I had gained something like 5 pounds in a couple of days. What??!! I knew it was just one of those things and it wasn't a real gain and this weigh in proves it. Is that something to be proud of? Not really.

Well, I'm at a loss for word about no loss for weight. I ate less this week, moved more and here I am weighing more. I honestly am starting to think something is wrong. I don't know what to do. I'm taking Alli, exercising, gardening, eating less. And now that I have trip for Thanksgiving to get ready for, I had hoped that a modest 1.5 pounds lost a week would be doable. I was trying for that this week but gained a half pound instead. I'm stymied.

Never give up what you want most for what you want right now.

I realized something over the course of the last few days. It all started when I started reading a book called Naturally Thin. It's written by ... (wait. am I really going to admit this?)... one of the Real Housewives of New York. Have you seen that show on Bravo? It's a ridiculous waste of time, but I've seen more than my fair share of episodes. All of them, perhaps, but who's counting?

Anyway, this tiny size 0 girl who's not even a housewife but who is a natural foods chef is probably my favorite on the show. She says hilarious things and seems to notice that the lives of the other housewives are not as "Real" as most of ours are. And she wrote this book because she is into healthy foods/has had food issues/is smart enough to cash in on one of the few niches in book publishing that's making any money (diet books). For me, it was quite the impulse buy. I really don't need another book telling me what I already know. And certainly not written by a reality show flavor of the week. When it comes down to it, I should be out hiking my hills or walking my dog or pulling my weeds. Anything but watching reality TV or--even worse-- spending money on a book written by a size 0 non real, non housewife. But I did. And I'm sorta glad.

One of the things she talks about in the book is this notion of balance. You balance your checkbook, you balance your calories (although she doesn't advise counting calories, but you have to have a sense of how much you're taking in...) , you balance your meals. And by balancing your meals, she doesn't mean 30%/30%/40%, it's simpler than that: if you have a big lunch, have a light dinner. If you have a protein heavy breakfast, have a salad for lunch. Easy, right? Her point is that it's not about a "diet" it's about a mindset. And I totally get that.

But guess what... I have the worst mindset when it comes to balancing anything. Anything. ANYTHING. Money. Food. Time. My attention. I'm out of whack in a number of ways. I don't know why this is, but I can see a pattern going way back. I've never been good with money. I love it and I hate it. Same with food. I can see that my "issues" with both are very similar. I almost live in denial with both. I hate checking my bank balance. It makes my panicky. I'm horrible at making/sticking to a budget. I just don't even like to think about it. Same with food, although I make "new plans" all the time, I don't stick to them. I hate thinking about a food plan, mapping things out. Making my lunches for the week. Planning dinners. With money, there's never enough or there would be if I was more attentive to the budget, but I'm not and it's frustrating and discouraging and I hate it (is there an echo in here). And with food, it's sort of the same only opposite. Does that make sense? It's such a lack of control that I exhibit over both things. Which is weired because I'm such a control freak about other things. Is that the problem? I'm avoiding these two areas because I can't keep them in control? Or vice verse? Isn't this all so silly? I mean, I'm a smart woman. I can do this. So why am I not?

So all this has been swirling around in my head and then this afternoon Peggy Sue (thanks PS, your timing is amazing!) sends me this quote:
"Never give up what you want most for what you want right now."

And I realize that this all fits together. What do I want most? I want to feel better about myself. About how I look, about how I feel, about how I handle my finances, about how I spend my time. Balance. I want balance in my life. I allow myself to be pulled in so many directions that I'm never balanced. I don't allow myself time to find balance.

I had a good day today in terms of food. Maybe because I kept reminding myself to keep things balanced. We went to a birthday party today for two of my nephews and there was junk galore, but I made really good choices. I could have eaten a bunch of pizza and cake but I had a salad and 1/2 a piece of cheese pizza after. I had a few bites of cake but just enough to not feel deprived and that was fine. I did keep my calories in mind and I came in right at goal today. I was balanced today--at least in terms of my meals. I feel good about that.

Weigh-In: Week 15

I don't know what to say. I can't but be discouraged by my serious lameness of late. It doesn't feel that great to be back pedaling so quickly. I'm sick of this mentality that I keep falling back into. I really am. I'm determined to get my act together. Why am I just wasting time with all this back and forth??

A late dinner last night sabotaged what would probably have been a minimum .5 loss. Oh well. Hey, I'm back at my starting weight!!!!!! Woo-stinkin'-hoo. I can't believe this. I had such high hopes when we started this blog. I had expected to lose at least 15 pounds by now. And here I am...back at the beginning. Can't quit though. I just have to plow through this.

Daily Report: Day 98

It was another so-so day. Better than a bad day, but didn't end up being the day I'd planned.

Calories: 1783
Exercise: Had planned to join a gym tonight after work, but it didn't happen for a number of reasons. Planning again for tomorrow.
Water: 65 oz

Victories: Water. Did much better, but still room for improvement.
Defeats: Exercise or lack thereof. I need to make some big changes in that department.